Am I...

I bow my knees

2009-02-22T14:12:00.003-06:00

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell
in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-21

This week I was reading this prayer Paul wrote for the Ephesians. Before I got past the first line I found myself already challenged. He says 'I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.' It made me think about how often I humble myself before the Lord in this way. So many times I work God into my life instead of working my life into God's plan. It's the constant struggle between wanting to be the center my life and making God the center. This week I am making it my priority to hand over the reigns of my life to God and making him the center.

An encouraging Reminder

2009-01-26T10:21:00.005-06:00

Last weekend after completing my first week back to school I was feeling a little overwhelmed. I have not had such a demanding schedule in awhile and I knew it was going to take some adjustment to get back in... but man, I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. Luckily I had Monday and Tuesday off school which gave me some time to relax, reflect back on my week, and spend some much needed time with God. During this time I was reminded of one of my favorite verses.

"To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me."

Colossians 1:29

It was really encouraging to to read this verse.

"To this end I labor..." In this life we are going to labor for Christ, trying to spread the Word and balance our everyday lives and responsibilities.

"...struggling with all his energy..." Sometimes it is going to be a struggle as we are constantly pulled in the opposite direction, but we have his energy to rely on as we could not do it on our own.

"...which so powerfully works in me." It is His energy we must rely on as it will powerfully work through us. It is not by our own ability but His coming through us.

One week down fifteen to go

2009-01-21T10:39:00.003-06:00

As I anticipated it has been hard to keep up on posting once a week. I am back in school now with one week down and only 15 left to go... not sure what that says about me that I'm counting down already. But I am enjoying school so far this semester, which is kind of odd for me. I have never been a person to enjoy school and have always done anything I could to get around having to go but this semester I have wanted to go. I'm not sure what did it but a change has happened in my attitude towards learning. I guess that it's not really so much the change has happened towards learning as it has toward attending classes. I always had this philosophy in High School that I could pass without attending classes so why should I waist my time with them. Now, for whatever crazy reason, I want to go to class so that I can learn as much as possible and not just get by.

Other then that I have been downtown for a couple months now and have really gotten settled in and back into the routine of life. I love living downtown and can't wait for spring to roll around so I can get out and explore the city a little more.

Well... I'm at school and class is about to start so I should probably go.

MCC Launch

2009-01-11T20:38:00.002-06:00

So it's been a little more then a week but not too much more... So here I am to try and keep up on my posts. I have actually been meaning to post about last Sunday... Well... since last Sunday but am now just getting to it. So here it is.

Last Sunday during our Core Team Meeting for the launch of Midtown Community Church we discussed our quickly approaching launch date. The launch has been planned for March 8, 2009. As we looked at where we stood with everything that needed to be accomplished before launch date we realized how unprepared we were. The pastor let us know that after much prayer and wisdom seeking he had made the decision to push the launch date out one year. I think everyone agreed it was a wise decision.

It's going to be interesting to see what God does in this community over the next year to help better prepare us for the launch of our public services next year.

Some General Life Updates...

2009-01-01T21:11:00.002-06:00

I am approaching one year at Citi Bank January 14th. It's crazy to think that I have already been there for a year. It's up and down and can sometimes be taxing but overall I think it has been a great experience.

I am also moving forward with school this semester. As for my ultimate plan with school I'm not really sure. For now I am just planning on finishing my associates degree, which I'm on track to finish December 2009. Some programs I have thought about are Church Planting and Urban Planning & Development. I have also thought about creating my own hybrid of the two... I guess we'll see.

I know you're all dying to know so I'm gonna go ahead and put it out there. There is no girl in my life.

Reviving a blog.

2008-12-28T20:53:00.003-06:00

If you have read my blog in the past you will notice I have made some changes, all to reflect the revival of my blog. I have not posted in about six months... well a little over six months and a lot has happened in my life during that period. I'm going to try and briefly catch you up on what's going on and then commit to keeping up with atleast one post a week... maybe I should say one every other week.

So for starters I'm going to pick up where my last blog left off. The decision I had been struggling through was to leave Restore Community Church, the church I had moved to Kansas city to be a part of in the first place, and move downtown to be a part of another church that is planting March 2009. This was a n incredibly hard decision. When it came down to making the decision I could not deny the calling God had placed in my life to be a part of this church that was going to be planted in the urban core of Kansas City.

In August, I made the decision and began my transition passing off the reins to my college small group at Restore and beginning to attend Midtown Community Church core team meetings. In November, I moved downtown and am living just a few blocks away from the location we are planning to launch our public services in. I am excited to get to know this city better and see what God has in store for me on this next part of my journey.

Some time with God

2008-07-17T10:04:00.002-05:00

I have been struggling through some decisions in life and seeking God's guidance in these decisions. Well... I've been saying I had been seeking his guidance and would occasionally pray about it but had not been intentional about seeking his guidance. So I decided to do that this past Tuesday morning. On Tuesday I got up from 7:30 to 9 and spent some time away from everything with God. I also asked a few people to be praying with me that morning to hear God's direction for my life. What I found in that hour and a half was not really any more clarity but it was good time with God and as I went throughout my day I realized how it had really set me up to hear from him.

The number one thing I heard was not what I was seeking but is possibly more relevant. God asked me what I was doing. My last post describes a little more of where I am at. What I realized was that I am not doing anything. I have no doubt in my mind that God has called me into ministry. But instead of pursing that I have been going to school to get a degree in... I don't really know what and been working full time. I have not placed my trust in God and have been trying to do it on my own... trying to make sure I had all the safe blocks in place before I went into ministry. God did not call me to that. He called me to trust in him and give everything over to him. He called me to step out and lead in ministry. And now I am ready to give up the petty things I have been pursuing and pursue the vision God has in store for my life.

I still have some figuring out exactly what this means for everyday life but I am committed taking the steps to do that.

Have I been running from God?

2008-07-14T00:07:00.003-05:00

Today I found myself asking this question out loud to a group of people. I don't believe this has been an intentional decision I made but it does show how good satan is at what he does. I don't have a doubt in my mind that God has called me into ministry. Yet I find myself going to school full time to get a degree in business or urban planning, trying to work my way up in a company considering it as a career, and leaving no time to be involved in my church. My question to myself is if I know I have been called into ministry why am I focusing in every area but ministry? Why am I not attending a school that is going to prepare me for ministry? To be honest I think it comes down to my own comfort and security. I have a desire to be financial secure. I want to be able to provide for myself and the family I will eventually have. To do this instead of trusting in God and his will for my life, I have developed my own plan so that I know I will have something to fall back on. As if I'm planning for Gods plan to not work out and then when it doesn't work out for him to not be there. The question now isn't What are my plans? but What are God's plans for me now?

Have I Quit?

2008-06-30T22:57:00.003-05:00

Today I was reminded of this letter I read once in Doug Fields book Your First Two Years in Youth Ministry.

Doug,

I quit youth ministry yesterday.

I got tired of hearing about how I need to make sure those youth behave during the worship service like I am the church bouncer.

I got tired of parents who don’t live the Christian lifestyle and expect me to mold their kids in the few hours a week we have them and then when the kids screw up, the fault is the youth ministry not being deep enough.

I got tired of those kids who play the game of being spiritual, but then live like they have never heard of Jesus.

I got tired of adults who do not have a clue about youth ministry but have an outline of how I should do my job.

I got tired of people not respecting the youth ministry by scheduling the facilities and taking them away from students.

I got tired of people who believe that the way we did church in 1948 worked and that it should still work today.

I got tired of people who have complaints but instead of going to those with whom they have the beef, they make phone calls to gripe to dozens of other people in the congregation.

I got tired of people who do not spend personal time with the Lord (by their own admission) but yet think they should run the church.

I got tired of people who think my wife is also an employee of the church and should be available at all times.

I got tired of people who keep asking when I am going to pastor my own church and become a “real” minister.

I got tired of people who think youth workers can’t be trusted and need constant supervision.

I got tired of working late and people thinking it was what I was supposed to do.

I got tired of people asking, “What do you do all day when the kids are in school?”

I got tired of all the times that I failed and felt so inadequate to do this job.

Bottom line… I just got tired of being tired all the time.

However, I was smart enough not to tell anyone that I quit. I went home, spent some time with my family (and did not burden them with my quitting), spent some time in prayer, and got a good night’s sleep. I am back on the job today. I have read Ephesians 6:13 and am steadfast that I will still remain standing (and not quit).

Those same people who I was tired of yesterday are still in my life, but somehow God has given me the grace to love them today. I am grateful for having the best job in the world, the opportunity to be used of God as a conduit for his grace to influence young lives. I am so glad that when I quit on God yesterday, that God didn’t quit on me.

Today. I’m making the commitment to last because what God has called me to is too important to quit.

Your friend and (still) fellow youth worker,

Brian

Have I quit?

Weighing me down

2008-06-18T23:21:00.003-05:00

I am going to kind of continue my last post with another thing that is weighing me down. A big decision that I am struggling through right now. As i begin to plan my next year at Maple Woods, the community college I am attending, I have to figure out where I am going next. I heard about the Urban Planning and Design program at UMKC. This is something that has always fascinated me and I think I could enjoy a career in. So where is the problem right... well it goes a couple directions.

Originally I had planned on finishing up my Associates degree at Maple Woods and then going on to get some kind of degree. The catch with the Urban Planning & Design program at UMKC is that if I end up finishing my associates at Maple Woods I will have to take courses that don't transfer into my degree program. This leaves me with the decision of whether or not to finish up my associates or move on in the spring to UMKC.

The greater issue though is whether or not I want to even pursue a degree at UMKC. You see I have always felt a calling to go into ministry but I have never been able to determine exactly what that meant for me. I don't feel like I have go into ministry as my career to do ministry. I know that no matter what I chose as a career I will do ministry. The other thing here is that to this point I haven't went to a christian school or even looked into one. Do I need a degree in ministry to have a career in ministry? Could I go to UMKC and get a degree in Urban Planning & Design and maybe end up planting a church or campus in a downtown area?

Someone once told me that if there was anything else in the world I could do besides ministry then I should do it. While that might seem crazy it makes sense. The question really is could I ever be ok with being in any other career besides ministry?

Something I Learned Today

2008-06-17T22:29:00.006-05:00

Wow to start with I just don't blog enough anymore... And I have so much going on in life. I described the feeling last week to someone. A feeling that I've never had with everything thats happened in my life. I feel so stressed that I can feel it in my chest. It's always there... just this huge weight that I'm carrying around.

One of the things that has been on my mind and really weighing on my heart is my involvement at Restore. I've gone through a pretty constant battle since I moved out here to Kansas City about what exactly it meant for me to be involved here and why I felt God was leading me in this direction.

Tonight I went to a church with a guy from work. It was actually the Tuesday night college/young adult service. As I walked into the space there was a familiar homey feeling to it. It reminded me in a lot of ways of Student Community the student ministry I was involved in at Community Christian Church. Outside of the auditorium people were hanging out before service; eating some snacks, talking, there was a little information about the ministry and a tv with a slide show of pics from different events they have done. When we went into the auditorium they had a stage up front with my favorite curtains running along the side and about 60 chairs set up in the middle. As I sat in the space waiting for the service to start I thought to myself... I could own a piece of this ministry... And that's when it came to me.

For whatever reason... this I haven't figured out yet... I'm not owning Restore. I don't think I know or understand how to own a piece of Restore. In the past I had the opportunity to own a piece of a ministry. It was not something I just attended it was something I owned. Some thing I began owning in high school with an e-mail to my youth pastor. If I can get my hands on that e-mail I post it.

Here's the e-mail sent August 18th 2004, the beginning of my sophomore year of high school.

I’ve been thinking a lot the last couple of weeks and I’ve decided that I want to have a greater leadership role this year. I would like to lead one of the two guys groups at South. To start off I will probably need help because I’ve never lead a small group alone before. Also, I would like to help you get some teams in place to take care of the entire StuCo service… from setup to teardown and everything in between. This might be more of a long term goal. I’m not sure that we have the number of students it would take to complete this but I definitely want to get something started. I also have many other dreams that I would like to see come to life before I leave this ministry my senior year. I believe you have told me before that one of your dreams was to have a completely student owned ministry. Ultimately, I would like to take that and run with it. Well, let me know what you think.”

I want that back. I want to be able to own this church... own this ministry... What's holding me back?

Emotional Roller Coaster

2008-05-19T08:48:00.003-05:00

This is a post a read this week from Janet McMahon http://www.janetmcmahon.typepad.com/

At the exponential conference last month I talked about the emotional roller coaster of church planting. When I first began preparing for the talk, the idea was to get OFF the emotional roller coaster. When I finally got to presenting this talk, the idea was to stay ON the coaster and enjoy the ride.

Life is emotional. The only way to get off is to stop doing anything significant, scary, or risk taking. When we get off, we are left standing on the sidelines, watching others while they experience the thrill of the ride.

We are emotional creatures, created in the image of God who I also believe is emotional.

If we are not feeling emotions I think there could be one of several things going on:

We are denying
We are avoiding - using stuff to manage our emotions (food is my favorite emotional elixir)
We are playing life WAY TO SAFE
We are dead

This made me think about the emotional roller coaster that is my life. This is a good reminder when things get tough.

Christ Follower

2008-04-21T23:22:00.002-05:00

What does it look like to be a Christ Follower in the world today?

Here are a couple of verses I'm struggling to live my life by.

Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

-Mark 10:21

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

-Acts 1:8

We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.

-Colossians 1:28-29

When people say following Christ in the world today isn't easy. They're not lying. This stuff is hard but I can't even begin to express how incredible a life dedicated to living this way is.

Lost and Alone

2008-03-25T10:35:00.003-05:00

Over the last month or so I have gotten stuck in this rut. A rut that continually felt further and further away from the surface. You see as I've been searching for my purpose out here. As I've been trying to figure out why God called me to come here... I got a new job. This job is a blessing in many ways and is going to be good for me. As I completed my four weeks of training working day time hours I thought that when I moved to evening hours I was going to have all this time during the day to do stuff. What happened was I slowly began to get even more disconnected and dig myself deeper into this hole. I would sleep in really late because I didn't have anything to get up for and when I eventually got up I would lay around for a little and then get ready for work. I would go work at a job that I really don't enjoy and then come home and go to sleep. And over and over the same cycle. At some point I lost sight of why I should get up in the morning and although I was going to church and still had a relationship with Christ I let this sort of lost loneliness take over. I let life begin to slip away and spiral me downward. I realized how easy it is to lose sight of why we're living at all. Now I want to be careful because this might come across sounding suicidal, lost hope and not knowing why we're living at all But I want to be clear that it isn't that way for me. Suicide has never been an option. Through this I realized though important it is to have a reason to get up every morning. To know what that reason is. And to not let life get in the way of that reason. My reason for getting up every morning it to spend my life Helping More People Find Their Way Back to God. And that is why it's important for me to get up every morning to spend what limited time I have been given on this earth to support that mission.

Why do you get up every morning?

...discovering a little more...

2008-03-03T10:41:00.004-06:00

After much prayer, frustration, anger, and deliberation; I have come upon a little more clarification of why I am here. After spending some time hashing out what exactly happened at small group last week it all began to fall together.

You see after coming up with this incredible vision of what God could do here in Kansas City and what kind of role I could play in that... I let life get in the way! I got a new job that left me out of school this semester, took up some more of my time and left me a little more disconnected. Without realizing it I gave up. I stopped pursuing what I had originally felt God leading me to do. I believe that God wants me to do this because right now there is nothing going on, on that campus. If I weren't here God would find someone else to lead this vision but I believe God has called me here to do this. My small group and I have the greatest potential to reach the college student because we are college students.

Tonight at small group I am going to apologize to my group and let them know I have already apologized to God. I am going to recast my vision for the impact we can have on this community and ask them to commit to joining me. I am going to commit to doing what I can to not let life get in the way anymore and ask them to be more vocal with me and not be afraid to hold me accountable to this commitment.

The Revolution will begin.

What happened to the Revolution?

2008-02-26T10:08:00.003-06:00

What's happening...

Last night was a tough small group for me. I decided to skip the last week of curriculum before we launch the church this weekend and refocus the group. But something happened that I didn't expect. The group told me that I've changed. Know change isn't always bad but I've felt weird lately. They told me that they can't put their finger on exactly what it is but something about my attitude or maybe my character. I know I've felt different, trying to figure things out. But to here them say that. To here that whatever this feeling I've had has been effecting my group. That I've just kind of let things go? or that's the way they feel anyway.

What happened to the Revolution I dreamed of?

On November 15th I wrote this post. Titled: Starting a Revolution
While I was in Chicago I had breakfast with a friend and mentor. While we were talking he said that I was trying to start a Revolution. I never thought of it this way but that is my ultimate life goal, Start of a revolution for Jesus. I also realized that I haven't yet shared my vision here so I want to take this opportunity to do that. You see as I worked through the option of starting a campus ministry or a college ministry through the church, I decided that I wanted to start both that would really become one in the same. I wanted to start a college ministry that would be so involved on the campus it would need to have approval as a campus organization. What I came up with was Restore College Community. We are going to do events on campus which connect people to Restore Community Church small groups that ultimately connect them back to Restore Community Church and Help them Find Their Way Back to God. I am starting this on the campus of a community college which means people will only be attending for a max of three years. This is where it expands. My hope is to develop leaders that will then go to one of the four universities in driving distance of the church and start Restore College Communities there. Eventually gaining so much momentum through the college generations that we have to begin planting campuses near these schools. It would be incredible to watch this generation start a revolution to help change the spiritual landscape of Kansas City. I can't wait to see what God does.

What happened to this Revolution?

A 24 hour prayer event

2008-02-24T19:20:00.003-06:00

Last night I had the opportunity to take part in a 24 hour prayer event. Restore Community Church launch team members and staff took turns praying for an hour at Park Hill High School. The building we will transform next weekend from High School to Restore Community Church. For me this was a really good time. It forced me to be alone with God for 1 hour with no distraction. We spent most of the time talking about the launch weekend and the impact we would like the church to have on this community. Then for the last five minutes or so we switched the focus to me and what is going on in my life.

Being at Blast last weekend seems to be the theme of my last few posts and is going to slide into this one of course. I gotta keep the theme up right. Anyway being there gave me a renewed passion for students and events. I can't really describe the rush excitement fulfillment in helping pull off a conference that is going to change the eternity of jr high and high school students. I believe that students are not the generation of tomorrow. They are the generation of today. As a student you feel so grown up and try to make grown up decisions. Students are making decisions today that are going to effect the rest of there lives. They are making decisions now about who they are going to be and what they are going to be passionate about. If we can capture these students for the mission of Jesus their is no telling what kind of impact
they could have on this community.

As I feel this I look for what opportunities are available here in Kansas City for me to begin to have an impact on students lives. The greatest opportunities I see are in Young Life. An organization built around High Schools. Getting into a leadership position with Young Life I would have the opportunity to impact the lives of students again. I could also have the opportunity to develop two areas I believe I am gifted in speaking and leadership.

Enters problem... I have a full time job. For this job I work nights which pretty much makes it impossible to be involved in Young Life.

Even beyond that problem though I have another passion. College Students. Personally I feel like this is an area where a lot of church communities miss. Unless a church is located in a 'college town' or very close to a college they usually don't have a college ministry. I think this is a huge miss. Although a lot of students do go away to college there is also a huge percentage of students who stick around and go to community college. At the end of last semester I got the ok to start a new organization on the campus of Maple Woods Community College. Here I have the opportunity to build up something from scratch but with taking this semester off school it makes hard to really be effective on the campus and connect with people there. t best I could be on campus one day a week. Is that enough?

I have been going back and forth about this stuff with God for a couple of weeks. I am kind of feeling pushed in on direction over the other but I'm not sure yet.

...slowing discovering why...

2008-02-23T23:18:00.002-06:00

As I described a little in my last post Blast was kind of a weird experience for me this year. In the past I have had the opportunity to take part in a lot of the behind the scenes work for the event. Thus when I did arrive it was a couple days before to prepare for the event and I kept myself busy throughout most of the weekend. This past weekend as I attended and was pretty much unable to do anything I had a lot of time to reflect, that's where my last post came from and this one is coming from also. When I arrived and as I watched the weekend go by I had the opportunity to see a ton of people serve and play roles to help the event happen... stuff that I might have done if I were still there.

When Troy and Janet announced they were leaving it opened a couple of huge roles on staff. And many people saw as they were leaving it was going to give people opportunities that would not otherwise have had. Originally I did not see a similar thing with myself but being able to attend Blast I got to see that. I believe one of the reasons God moved me in this new direction was to open up more opportunities for students around CCC to serve and take on more leadership and ownership of their ministry.

If I was not given the opportunities I was at CCC throughout my High School career I would not be here today. And God only knows what direction I might have taken instead. It was really cool for be to be able to see some other students beginning to play some of those roles and take some ownership. Because no matter what it might seem like on the surface of their life you never know what's really going on inside. And that ministry quite possibly could be the only thing holding them together.

One reason God moved me in this direction was to open up possibilities at CCC for others.

Relationally Torn

2008-02-18T20:17:00.002-06:00

I thought that I had blogged about this in the past but as I quickly skimmed through my blogs I was unable to find it. During my last year in High School and what became my last year in the Chicagoland area I felt relationally torn. I had friends from high school and the CCC Romeoville campus. I had friends from work and the CCC Naperville Campus. And somehow I was living in Plainfield. This left me feeling kind of relationally torn between all these different places and groups of people. While I was back in town this weekend I realized that then I had it easy... at least everyone was in the same state. Now I'm living in Kansas City where I have made a few connections and trying to maintain some of my relationships in the Chicagoland area. Man I don't know how anyone could ever have a long distance dating relationship. I can't even figure out the friendships. I really want to maintain my relationships in the Chicagoland area but it's really hard when I am not able to see those people but a few times a year. And I would like to make some good friends in Kansas City but I don't really have an outlet to meet people around my age right now. I'm kinda stuck as to what to do.

Events… Blast… Life… Uncertainty… Risk… Sacrifice.

2008-02-16T20:10:00.000-06:00

This weekend I was able to get work off and go to Blast. For those of you who don’t know what Blast is, it is the winter conference CCC Student Ministry puts on at the Kalahari Resort in Wisconsin Dells. Being here has been somewhat of a surreal experience for me. I have attended this conference for five times before and the last three of those I was able to take part in the planning and production of the conference as well as leading a group of Jr. High students. This year I am just attending. I flew in from Kansas City Friday morning and drove up with my friend, Erin. I have no students to lead and no planning or production responsibilities. Honestly I don’t know what to do.

On Friday I drove up early with Erin to help her put together the breakfast stuff for all of the rooms. When I got here and stuff was set up and everyone was doing their thing and I had no role to play I had a moment. One of those ‘what the crap did I do’ moments. Now I need to unwrap that a little bit but first I’m going to talk a little about where I’m at right now.

I’m living in Kansas City and have recently made the decision to take a new job. I am leading a small group with Restore Community Church and we’re two weeks away from launch Sunday. But for some reason I feel stuck… stuck in a place where I’m not really sure where I’m going. I’m living in a place where I know virtually no one. Working a job that has nothing to do with where I want to go in life. And planning to graduate from community college with an AA. Again having nothing to do with where I ultimately want to be in life.

Now this is where the ‘what the crap did I do’ moment came in. I was invested in a place where I was moving forward. I had an ultimate goal and was working towards it. I still had some of the other things going on in my life such as work and school. But I knew my purpose and my goal. I knew where I was going. I want that back so bad… ‘what the crap did I do’.

I know Kansas City is where I’m supposed to be. I just really need God to fill the blanks in for me right now. Why am I there? How is all this going to play out? Did I make the right decision taking the job? Am I going in the right direction with school? This is one of those times when I feel like I’ve really just grown up too quickly.

Its been awhile

2008-02-10T13:38:00.000-06:00

Wow. It's been a really long time. I can't believe the last time I blogged was in December. Life's been really crazy. And I've had some big changes in life. In January I went in for a interview with Citigroup to work in there call center. I ended up getting the job and started my four weeks of training jan. 14th. This job has been an inc redible opportunity for me. The job came with great health benefits, tuition reimbursement for school and great pay. I finished my four weeks of training on Friday and I feel like this is going to be a good fit for me right now. Getting started though has been crazy and taken some adjustments in life. Sorry it's been so long.

Following promptings

2007-12-17T16:35:00.000-06:00

The other day I was hanging out with a friend. This particular friend tends to like Applebees better and I tend to like Chilies better. When we decided to get something to eat I gave in this time and we headed for Applebees. When we got there our waiter was really awkward and when we finally decided what we wanted they didn't have it. We then decided to leave and go across the street to Chilies. As we were waiting to be seated I noticed a mom with two kids waiting for a table as well. Now I don't know her story but she kind of gave off that single mom vibe, if a such thing exists. Anyway they were seated and shortly after my friend, Robyn and I were shown to our table. Again I noticed the mom getting her kids settled in for dinner. This time though I felt like I should pay for their dinner. Now I had never met these people before and I have never done anything like this before. Normally I might shrug it off and go on with the night but for some reason this night I didn't. As soon as we sat down I turned to my friend and said for some reason I feel like I should pay for their dinner. She looked at me and said lets do it. I called the waitress over to our table and explained to her that we wanted to anonymously pay for the mom and her two kids dinner. The waitress was really excited about what we were doing. When she went over to tell the mom that someone was going to be paying for their dinner tears began to well up in her eyes as she expressed great thanks to whoever was doing this for her. Now I don't know this families story but I do know that God used my friend and I that night to touch there lives. It's cool to look back on the evening now and realize all of what God brought us through to bless that family. It's a really cool thing to be able to used by God.

Starting a Revolution

2007-11-15T10:20:00.000-06:00

While I was in Chicago I had breakfast with a friend and mentor. While we were talking he said that I was trying to start a Revolution. I never thought of it this way but that is my ultimate life goal, Start of a revolution for Jesus. I also realized that I haven't yet shared my vision here so I want to take this opportunity to do that. You see as I worked through the option of starting a campus ministry or a college ministry through the church, I decided that I wanted to start both that would really become one in the same. I wanted to start a college ministry that would be so involved on the campus it would need to have approval as a campus organization. What I came up with was Restore College Community. We are going to do events on campus which connect people to Restore Community Church small groups that ultimately connect them back to Restore Community Church and Help them Find Their Way Back to God. I am starting this on the campus of a community college which means people will only be attending for a max of three years. This is where it expands. My hope is to develop leaders that will then go to one of the four universities in driving distance of the church and start Restore College Communities there. Eventually gaining so much momentum through the college generations that we have to begin planting campuses near these schools. It would be incredible to watch this generation start a revolution to help change the spiritual landscape of Kansas City. I can't wait to see what God does.

Back home?

2007-11-08T10:02:00.000-06:00

I wrote this Tuesday but didn't get a chance to post it till today. Sorry. I’m sitting in the Ohare airport as I write this waiting to fly back to Kansas City. So to start I’ll recap my extended weekend. On Saturday, I got up and went to Leadership Community, this is something CCC does once a month where they bring all the leaders together to celebrate what’s been happening and what’s coming up. This month they had the Restore Community Church tem in town to celebrate and anoint as we are preparing to launch this church. It was an awesome experience. The rest of the weekend I spent visiting friends and family. It’s hard to describe the feeling of being there again. I haven’t been in Chicago for the last three months. I moved to Kansas city the first week in August and have been trying to establish myself there; starting school, getting a job, figuring out what role God has called me out to Kansas City for. Coming back a lot was the same and a lot was different. It was exhausting going from place to place trying to see everyone but it was cool catching up. I think I achieved the medium that I talked about in my last blog. I enjoyed visiting but I am ready to go back home and get back into my routine in Kansas City. I feel like I could totally come back to Chicago and jump right back in and live here but I know that Kansas City is my home now and I miss what’s going on there just the same as I miss Chicago. Well my plane’s about to leave so I have to go.

Back in Chicago

2007-11-04T00:51:00.000-05:00

It has been three months since I moved to Kansas City and this is my first trip back. I'm really excited to be able to go back and see everyone but I am nervous about how it's going to feel. On one hand it's going to bring up memories and I'm going to get to spend time with people that I miss having around. Then I might not want to go back to Kansas City. On the other hand I know things have changed a lot and they probably aren't going to be like remember them. In this case I'm afraid I'm going to want to go back to Kansas City. Which is going to feel more like home, I guess that's the real struggle. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I can land somewhere in the middle.

Living on my own?

2007-10-31T23:12:00.000-05:00

I have been struggling with some stuff lately. It mainly comes back to my financial situation but has caused me to think a lot about how I'm living and the balance between trusting God to provide and being responsible myself with what he has provided me with. Recently I an unexpected expense came up, I blogged about it in 'Welcome to Real Life', but to make a long story short I needed to have some dental work done and don't have insurance. The bill quickly racked up from what I thought was going to be about $1500 to a grand total of $2500. Now I didn't have the $1500 to start with. I had most of it sitting in a savings account for my next semester of college but even that wasn't enough. Now the bill is even larger and I don't know what to do. Life is continuing to throw me curve balls. I am currently working 35 hours a week and going to school 17 hours and I can't increase the pace. Please pray as I struggle through this that God will give me the wisdom to make the wisest decisions and continue to provide for me.

An awesome night

2007-10-23T21:06:00.000-05:00

I just had to let everyone know that small group went awesome tonight. I am so excited about the journey God is going to take this group on. Thanks for all the prayers.

Small Group

2007-10-23T09:46:00.000-05:00

Small groups are something that I had gotten used to a CCC but I don't think I fully appreciated what a small group was and what it could be until I no longer had a small group. Today I get the opportunity to start the second Restore Community Church small group with between 4 and 6 college students. I am extremely excited to get started. This group is not going to just meet once a week to learn about each other and God. It is going to be a group of people that live life together, on a mission to help more people find their way back to God. Our mission field is Kansas City but more specifically Maple Woods Community College. I want this group to be a catalyst that will change the spiritual landscape of Maple Woods. I want to make such a difference on the campus that people can't help but see the work God is doing through us. Today I get to share this vision with the people in my small group and I am excited. I can't wait to see what God does. Please Pray.

Welcome to REAL LIFE

2007-10-15T22:44:00.000-05:00

It funny how life has a way of catching you when you least expect it, when you think you've got it all under control. This past Tuesday I started getting some pain in a tooth. It was kind of bothering me but then after dinner I was driving home and it all of a sudden hit me. Now I'm not one to usually resort to medicine but this pain was unbearable. After taking four ibuprofen and two Tylenol the pain was still unbearable and I couldn't sleep. I called off work and got a dentist appointment the next morning. The dentist basically gave me pain medicine and sent me on my way with a recommendation to another doctor. That appointment was today. I went in and as I was reading over all that stuff they make you sign it said you will have to pay for this visit before you leave. Now I was a little stressed. I really don't have a lto of extra money. I went in and this dentist knew the problem right away. She even explained it to me and showed me how she could tell on my x-ray. Then she quickly got to work. As soon as she was done, I made my way out to the desk to pay. With a %10 discount the total came to $877 and all the work isn't even done. Luckily I have been saving up for my next semester of college so I did have the money to pay them but now I have $56 to my name. I have no money to pay for my first visit to the dentist and no way to pay to go back and get the rest of the work done. My entire savings for next semester of college is gone... and all in one day. It's crazy how life can take from a place where you feel so secure to a place where you don't know what you're going to do. Through the stress there is calm peaceful feeling because I know that it is all going to work out and somehow God will provide.

Why am I in KC?

2007-10-04T10:40:00.000-05:00

I am in Kansas City for a church plant, Restore Community Church. And I have joined this team of people because I felt God tugging on my heart to be a part of this. But the question that has lingered over it all is why has God called me specifically to be a part of this team? Over the last month or so I have been trying to seek out the answer to this question and as you can tell from my last post it was getting extremely frustrating. I know that I am supposed to be here investing in this church but I felt like that is nearly impossible with my schedule. After having a conversation this week with Troy and Janet I realized that what I need to do is capture what time I do have and figure out how to use it most effectively for this church and the mission of Helping More People Find Their Way Back To God. What I have come to realize is that I need to infect the campus of Maple Woods Community College with this mission. I am the only person on this team that is in college. And although the rest of the team could probably find a way to reach the campus I'm on and the surrounding campuses. I feel like that is why God brought me here. Now I know why God has brought me here and that feels good. now what am I going to do about it? More to come on this soon.

A Cluttered Life

2007-09-21T22:06:00.000-05:00

Today I realized that my life is really cluttered. I have all kinds of different things going on which has led me to not have time for the one thing I'm most passionate about, the church. There are staff meetings going on and service projects and outreach events being planned and I haven't had any part in it. Realizing this made my heart sink. How is it that I can fill my schedule so quickly. I mean I guess with school and work that pretty much takes care of most of it. I'm just not sure how to fit anything else in. Where do I cut back? My biggest problem is that in high school I gave the church 110 percent and I gave work 110 percent and I gave school the left over 50 percent, I know that doesn't exactly add up but you get the idea. Know I'm trying to give school 110 percent and work 110 percent and I'm finding that leftover 50 percent is being given to the church. How is it possible to balance it all well?

A bitter Sweet week

2007-09-18T10:22:00.001-05:00

A hard week to be away from CCC. Throughout my month here in Kansas City there have been many times i missed Chicago and most of all Community Christian Church but this week it was different. It was more then just miss, knowing all that I was missing out on. This week was huge for CCC. They launched StuCo on Wednesday nights and from what I 've heard it was a smashing success. Then we fast forward to the weekend where they launched the first weekend of the ignite series, soul cravings, and opened the new space at the yellow box. God brought them 1200 new people! That is incredible. I'm so excited that they had an incredible weekend but I'm sad that I was not a part of it this time. I realize that I am still on the mission though of Helping People Find Their Way Back to God. And that mission has brought me to Kansas City. I can't wait to start seeing lives change here in Kansas City.

It's been awhile

2007-09-11T11:38:00.000-05:00

Well it's been a while since I last posted and a crazy while that was. It's a good thing I looked over my last post before starting though because it appears that I never explained my new job. I got a new job at an independent coffee shop here in Kansas City and it definitely fits well. I enjoy the environment and the people I work with/ for. So that's awesome. Now before I get too distracted I want to share some of my reflection from this week. A couple days ago I was driving home from class and thinking (I usually do most of my thinking in the car). Which quickly shifted to some realization. One that I know and have known for a while but only occasionally stop and appreciate. I have been blessed by God beyond anything I could ever ask or imagine throughout my life. I was driving in a car that was practically given to me, I live in an apartment that I don't pay my fair share of, I have always had people around me to support and challenge me, and no matter how much life doesn't fit or make sense it always works out. Know it is my job to poor out my blessings on others.

This week I needed a Home Church

2007-08-22T10:11:00.000-05:00

My job at Taco Bell has not been exactly what I hoped for to say the least. The manager out here is not a very good manager and does not run a very good store. This has made it extremely hard for me to work there :Quick side note: I got a new job and get to quit Taco Bell today more to come on this later. Anyway as I was finishing up work this past week I needed a church home. I needed a yellow box if you will. I felt the world straining down on me and needed a place I could go to be refreshed and just hangout and talk to people about what was going on in my life. The situation I'm in is unique for me because throughout High School I had that place and now i don't. I'm not sure that I ever really realized or appreciated what that place did for me to my full capacity. On the flip side I do have an incredible team of people here in Kansas City to work with and am extremely excited to be able to bring that kind of a place to the people of Kansas City. More really then a place I'm talking about a group of people. People that live as Christ did and help each other through the journey God has individually designed for each of us. Here is a cool verse I like to keep fresh.

We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all his wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.
Colossians 1:28-29

1 week down ?? to go

2007-08-13T19:47:00.000-05:00

I have lived in Kansas City for a week now. I can't really judge my experience living here yet because I haven't really started my life here yet. I moved in to my apartment and got everything unpacked and organized. I relaxed a lot and spent some time at the pool at my apartment. Other then that I've really just laid around my apartment and chilled at the McMahons some. It has been really weird for me to not have a ton of stuff going on but it has been nice also I think. I don't think that I could last it for more then a week though. Today I started work at the t bell out here and we'll just say it's not quite up to par... I'm not sure why yet but I think it is poor management. I am also coming from a really good taco bell. Anyway I have to be at school friday and classes officially start monday so that will be nice. I'm excited about being able to meet some people there. Also the other day I went grocery shopping and am kind of struggling in the area of cooking for one. Well i think that's it for now.

Saying my last goodbyes and Why I'm in KC

2007-08-05T22:23:00.000-05:00

I spent this past week saying my last goodbyes... Spending time with friends and family that I have lived my life with. People that I hope will continue to be in my life although I am starting a new chapter in my life. Today I arrived in Kansas City, Missouri. The emotion of it all hasn't quite hit yet but I'm sure it's not far off. On Saturday before I left I was asked why I was going to Kansas City? The answer to this is because I feel like God has asked me to go to Kansas City. it was back in March/April when I felt God leading me in this direction and after confirming it through a few people that were close to me I knew it was what I was supposed to do. What I realized though in that conversation is that I was trying to answer the question what am I going to be doing in Kansas City for the church plant? and Why specifically God has called me to do this? The frusturating part of it all is I don't know the answer to this question yet. I don't doubt my ability to help this team... I am just unsure why I have been called here. That is my prayer, that God will reveal his plan to me and help me as I make Kansas City my home.

6 Days to go

2007-07-31T00:26:00.000-05:00

I have began my last week here in Chicago...

Camp

2007-07-24T23:24:00.000-05:00

Right now I am sitting in my room at Jr. High camp. That pretty much explains why I haven't posted in so long. When it gets close to event time life gets really crazy and I usually don't have extra time to go online and stuff. As I was saying I m sitting in room and so far this week has been really weired for me. For starters my Jr. High small group graduated to High School this year so I'm not leading a group. I am however doing the mission time, as ReachoutKC is the mission for the week, this is something I've really felt blind going into. I've just never done anything like it before. And finally there is the fact that I am moving which means this is going to be my last event with Student Community. I am definitely going to miss this place and all of the people here. The closer I get the harder this transition in life becomes. I'll try and keep you more up to date as move day quickly approaches August 5.

NACC Recap

2007-07-07T09:59:00.000-05:00

I'm back in Chicago from the North American Christian Convention and settled in for 4 short weeks before I move out to Kansas City for good. The conference was pretty good. But for me the weeks was more about soaking everything up. This was my first trip to Kansas City. When we arrived on Monday evening we drove up around the Northlands. This is where I'm going to live, work, go to school, and plant the church. I got a chance to see my apartment which is going to be an incredible place to start building relationships in the community. Then we went across the street to what they call Zona Rosa. It is an outdoor shopping mall similar to the one they just opened in Bolingbrook, IL. Everything is close and there is virtually no traffic. It didn't quite feel like home yet but I figure that will come with time... I mean I've only been there once.

The conference didn't start until Tuesday. It was a different experience then I'm used to. But it was good. I got the opportunity to share with a few people about ReachoutKC. I also realized that I am a church planter you don't have to be the lead guy or even a staff person to be a church planter. I am a part of the team, I am a church planter and that's awesome. That's all I've got for now.

NACC

2007-06-29T10:17:00.000-05:00

This coming week the ReachoutKC team is going to the North American Christian Convention in Kansas City. I am especially excited because this is going to be my first trip ever to Kansas City. I hear really great things about it and since I'm moving their in 5 weeks I hope I really like it. i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

My Adventure Last Night

2007-06-16T09:17:00.000-05:00

It all started off when I realized I had forgotten my phone at my apartment. Then I got a ride to work with a friend. The problem here is that he got off work at 10pm and I didn't get off until 2:30am. This wasn't a big deal though because I live close enough to my work that it wasn't to far to walk home. So at 2:30 I headed home from work. My roommate was supposed to be home and leave a key 'under the mat' so that i wouldn't have to wake him up to get in. When I arrived at home... there was No key. no roommate. My phone was locked inside. And my car keys were locked inside. This is when I had to ask myself the question at 3 in the morning with no phone, car, or keys what do you do. So I decided to walk a little bit further and try and get into the church. I would usually have a key to the door but my keys were locked in the apartment. So I walked all around the outside of the building and I assure you (Lee) it was locked up really well even with the construction. So lets recap real quick I can't get into the apartment or the church and I have no phone keys or car. At this point I figured I would go back and check the apartment one more time and then head back to taco bell to try and call someone. As expected nothing had changed at the apartment but I did consider sleeping in our PODS container. We are packing our stuff to move to Kansas City and have a pod sitting outside our apartment. The only problem with that was that I had to get up for work this morning at 8am and had no alarm or anything to wake me up. So I ran back to taco bell. When I got there I knocked on the drive thru window and they looked at me like I was crazy. I went in and made a couple of calls and finally got a hold of a friend that lived about a 20 min walk from taco bell so I headed out. I arrived there around 4am and fell asleep quickly. And on a little over three hours of sleep I sit at work and the best thing I can think of to do is blog about my adventure last night.

CPAC and Kansas City

2007-06-07T12:29:00.000-05:00

This week the Kansas City staff team went through the Church Planting Assessment Center (CPAC). CPAC is a three day intense conference of psychological analysis, team building and extensive projects. From what I got to see the team did n incredible job and it got me more excited about moving out there. For those of you who don't know in August of this year I am going to be moving to Kansas City, MO to help plant a church and go to school. For more about how God clled me to this mission you can check out my post from March 29th.

I also want to take a minute to thank God for all he's done for me. Everything is coming together incredibly for me. I have an awesome roommate and place lined up. I have a temporary job worked out that I will be able start the week I move out there. I am going to be attend the Metropolitan Community College, Maplewoods Campus which is only 10 minutes from where I'm going to be living. I was able to do all my testing for school out here and am going to be scheduling my classes next week. God has really just showed up through it all and continuously confirmed I have made the right decision in following his calling to Kansas City.

Garduation

2007-06-03T23:25:00.000-05:00

Some of you will understand the title... Yes i did intentionally spell it that way. Anyway today I graduated from High School. A lot of people think this a big life changing day in a persons life but i'm really not sure. It’s kind of funny because the other day I was talking to someone about graduating and they were like now you can do whatever you want and you’re 18 now so you really don’t have to even listen to your parents anymore because you’re an adult. This person didn’t know my story, you see, I guess it’s a little different for me then most because of the journey life has taken me on.

I haven’t lived at home for almost a year and haven’t had parents for longer then that. I don’t really know what happened. I guess it was more just LIFE and not everyone could make it through. My question is why am I the only one that did make it through? Or Atleast that’s the way I feel. I watch person after person come crumbling down around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I long to have my family that I love and care for so much love and care for me back. But it seems that every time I spend time with them I come to realize that they are more excepting of everyone else in the world besides me.

A few weeks ago in StuCo we were talking about ‘Words We Wish Jesus Never Said’ focusing on the topic of forgiveness. Since then I have really been struggling with whether or not I have forgiven my parents.

I thought I had until recently and now I don’t know if I had and they just screwed up again or if I never really had in the first place. I invited my parents to my graduation, which most people would think is pretty normal. Where it gets complicated is that I also invited the people I live with. When my dad found out that they were coming he told me that they weren’t gong to be sitting near each other because he wasn’t going to get arrested for punching someone at his son’s graduation. Now I don’t believe for a minute that he would really do that but why did he have to say that? It’s been bugging me a lot ever since I heard those words come out of his mouth ‘I’m not going to get arrested for punching someone at his son’s graduation’. I just want to tell him to grow up and get over it. If he can’t put his bitter feelings aside for one day so that I can graduate I don’t even know what to say. I felt like I had to be the bigger person through the whole thing… saying the right things, worrying about what my dad was going to say or do, worrying about protecting the people I live with. It was just like when I lived at home. Always having to be the bigger person. It really made me realize how much I don’t miss my parents’ house. But made me sad for the fact that I didn’t get a family that loved me for who I am and what I chose to do with my life.

I think I’m ready to be completely free. Free of the burden of what others think. I am no longer going to go out of my way to accommodate them. If they don’t love me enough to meet me where I’m at and be happy for me then I can only hope and pry someday they will understand and learn from the mistake they have made. God has brought me into this world and has a ‘God sized’ plan for me to help more people find there way back to him and I am not going to let anyone or anything get in the way of that.

Lif is a Roller Coaster

2007-05-29T09:00:00.000-05:00

Living day by day... with all of the ups and downs. Making it through for now. Trying to figure it all out while still relying on God. That's one of my biggest flaws as a human. Wanting to do it all on my own.

Update on Life

2007-05-12T10:50:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged in a while... we'll just say it's cause life's been crazy. Anyway everything is going pretty well. I opened a second bank account to begin saving for Kansas City and a new car. Working all the time sucks but seeing the money in the bank is incredible. I also have finalized my plans for not having a car this summer. I can't really decide how I feel about this one yet. I know it's crazy to just give up my car for two months and say I'm just going to bike around but I know it's going to be really good and save me a ton of money. Again what this summer is about for me... working as much as possible and saving as much as possible. Graduation is quickly approaching and the reality of leaving is beginning to set in. I still have yet to ever see Kansas City but I trust it's going to be amazing because it is where God is leading me. So all in all I'm doing pretty good and excited about what God is doing in my life.

Exciting Stuff

2007-04-26T10:44:00.000-05:00

I don't get to post exciting stuff that often so I decided I really needed to post this. My brother got a car today. This is one of the most exciting things for him. He hasn't had a car in a long time and really needed one. This truck just came along and it was at a really good price so basically God hooked him up. And today he got to drive it home for the first time. Exciting Stuff.

Overwhelmed with Life

2007-04-20T11:19:00.000-05:00

I'm not exactly sure why I'm feeling so overwhelmed with life today. I know that I've made a big decision with the KC thing... and I know their is a lot of stuff now that is going to come along with that decision. I have been working through it all and I think I'm going at a pretty good pace. Today I just feel the weight of it all baring down on my shoulders. I've taken myself from running race to competing in a marathon.

Finishing High School
Graduation
Jr High Camp
Building Relationships
Leaving Relationships
Starting over new
Money
Starting College
Getting a working car
Getting a Job in KC

I know a lot of what I have to do to make these things possible. I just can't see a finish line right now and that's how I usually work. I can over extend myself for a period of time if I can see a finish line and check points throughout the process. Right now I am allowing everything to overwhelm me to a point were I can't see those checkpoints or a finish line. This is really hard for me. How do I not feel overwhelmed?

Emotionally Drained

2007-04-15T15:42:00.000-05:00

Today I was sitting in church and realized that I am emotionally drained. Not that I've necessarily expressed all of the emotion... I just don't have any left to give.

Recently I decided that I would be moving to Kansas City, Missouri this August to help plant a church. This has been something that has been extremely exciting for me yet at the same time really stressful. Their are people who don't get what I am doing and that makes it hard. I have also begun to try and get my life together to make this possible and the more I try to put together the more I realize how much won't fit. I know and have faith that it will all work out in the end but for me personally it's just really hard to see that it doesn't fit.

This week two students at our Romeoville Campus lost their lives in a car accident. Although I didn't know them really well personally. It's still hard to see two sixteen year olds lives cut short by such a tragic event. It also makes me reflect on my life. Honestly on my way home tonight I could get in a car accident and die. What am I living for now? Where am I going in the near and distant future? How will people remember me? and Most importantly Have I and am I continuously letting God use me to make an impact for his kingdom? This is what I want to be about. More then anything else I want to be someone who continuously makes an impact helping more people find their way back to God. That's what this life is all about.

Also this week they officially announced that no one will be going to Africa this summer. I had planned to go on a mission trip with Global Family Rescue to Rwanda, Africa. For me personally the cancellation of the trip is a bitter sweet thing. I was already struggling with the decision of possibly not attending the trip due to financial struggles and because of my plan to move to Kansas City. The thing that really hurt though was listening to Ben and Melody talk about why we're not going. They couldn't put their emotions into words and were just so broken. They have dedicated their life to helping the people of Rwanda and in the blink of an eye can no longer do that.

This meeting brought up a discussion in the car on the way home about why God choses to step in and do miracles sometimes and other times he choses to not. Why God? We also talked about why God answers prayers the way he does. We understand that he can't always answer everyone YES. But how does he make the decision to save one persons life while letting another's go.

I also have a couple of friends that are going through a lot of crap lately. I just honestly don't know how to handle it all. I just want to break down and don't really know how to express all of these emotions at the same time. Excitement. Fear. Stress. Sadness. Confusion. Worry.

Jumped the Gun

2007-04-09T10:33:00.000-05:00

It' seems like I jumped the gun a little with that last post I guess. Sunday morning I got in my car and again the check engine light came on and the speedometer stopped working. What's up with that?

Some Frustrtion Resolved

2007-04-06T14:02:00.000-05:00

Two posts in one day... I know it's crazy. Don't expect this on a regular basis, plus they're both short. Anyway I just wanted to put an update about my car. I do know have the speedometer working. A met an awesome person that knows a ton about cars and specifically Honda Civic's. He fixed it real quick but told me that it was a temporary fix and with all the other problems my car has it's probably the most fiscally responsible to look into buying a new car. That's it for know I guess. Thank God it's working again for now.

Stoked

2007-04-06T10:55:00.000-05:00

I've really had the urge to use this word lately and I'm not exactly sure why. So here it is. I'm so stoked about moving to Kansas City and helping with the church plant. I joined them for there team meeting this morning. It is just so exciting. I feel like I have so much excitement built up inside me I don't know what to do with it. There is some nervousness as well... Leaving behind some relationships that I've built here, while the relationships won't end it's still going to be tough, also finances, I'm probably not in the place I need to be financially to make this move. But I feel God overwhelmingly at work in my life and leading me in this direction. I know that he will allow everything to work out. Overall I just stoke for where God is going to take me in the next year.

Kansas City

2007-04-03T13:15:00.000-05:00

I had lunch today with Josh Jackaway. And it went well. He was the last to confirm Kansas City. I am going to move there. I am really nervous about how it's all going to work out but one thing I know is that if you trust in God and follow his lead, he will always come through for you. So I guess that's it for now. I'm really nervous and really excited. I'm going to Kansas City.

Cleaning

2007-04-02T15:58:00.000-05:00

Last night I realized being April 1st I should probably file my taxes soon. The on problem was I didn't know what I had done with my W-2. I have a great system were when I get mail I put it on my desk and 85% of the time I don't even open. As you could imagine after a while it begins to pile up and I have to go through it all and sort it out. File what needs to be filed, throw out what's garbage, I think those are my only two categories. Anyway what made last night different was that I not only cleaned my desk and my room but decided to clean out my filing cabinet as well. In my filing cabinet I have a folder that I put all of my english papers in. Why I save them I'm not sure because I don't save any of my other school work. As I began to sort through these papers, some dating back to 2000, I began to learn things about myself that I never knew. Things that subconsciously came out in my writing. It was really wierd to look back on it with a new perspective. Here are some things I learned about myself.

When I moved to Romeoville in the fall of 2000 I was in the middle of 6th grade and was angry my parents for making us move. I longed to live in one place long enough to have a best friend. This was the topic of almost all of my writing for that year.

In 2001 my Dad was in a car accident. This became the topic of my writing that year and even went through freshman year of High School. This was something that I was really hurt by and effected my life on so many levels. That year I lost my Dad to a car accident and my Mom to work and school. This is when I really began to be forced to grow up early.

Through Jr. High and my freshman year of high school my focus was always on success. I wanted to excel in school, go to an ivy league college such as Harvard or Yale, and become a successful business man or lawyer. My focuses were on success and money, these two were a package to me, I thought that you couldn't have one without the other.

School was my escape from home and my escape from reality.

During my freshman year I went through a huge transitional phase. I began to change the focus of my writing. It was no longer on success or money. It was no longer about getting into the right college. It was no longer on my bitterness towards life. It became about hope and mission.

I began to write about this place that I loved attending and how amazing the people were there. How much I loved being a part of such an awesome thing. A place where people were investing in me and I could invest in others. A place with a purpose, hope and mission that I could be a part of. This place is Community Christian Church.

For me this meant that school fell off of the radar screen a little. And slowly increasingly school became less important to me because I wanted to do whatever I could to live out and help this mission.

Some of this I knew and a lot of it I didn't. But It was interesting to look back and see my life come out in writing. Now looking back I was able to add a new perspective to what I've been through.

Rough Day

2007-04-01T13:16:00.000-05:00

The roughness of today really started yesterday. I'm in this constant struggle with myself and the world to make ends meet. My incredible church body has always been there for me in times of need. So you ask where's the struggle.... The struggle is when is it my responsibility and when do I ask them to step in and give me a hand. The real focus of the struggle now and has always been my car. A few months ago I hit a fire hydrant. This was completely my fault. Making it my responsibility to fix. Well it got to a point where i had thought I had enough money to fix it and had completely paid it off. Then I find out there is a lot more damage then I thought. This damage was caused by a previous owner and discovered through me hitting the fire hydrant. I figured I would just continue driving the car until I could save up enough for a down payment on a new car. Then after getting a ticket and still being far away from having enough to fix my car I decided that I would have to put a little money into it. Just enough to not get any more tickets. I was planning on doing that this week. Through this all I and to figure out how to make more money so I began working a second job at Taco Bell. This is where the rough day begins. Last night I was supposed to get off work at 11 and didn't get off until 12:15. I worked at the cafe in the morning and then at taco bell at night making for a really long day. So this morning I woke up late. 10 min after I was supposed to be at church to lead my Jr. High small group. As if this weren't enough on my way to church my check engine light came on and my speedometer stopped working. Now I don't want to fix anything because I don't want to invest in something that just keeps breaking more and more. But what do I do? Can I ask the church to step in and help me again do I need to figure this one out on my own? I personally want to be able to figure it out on my own. I want to be able to make it on my own. But I know that God promises to take care of us and asks us to rely on him. I am very tired working two jobs and even with the second job it's going to take me forever to earn enough to get another car especially with having to do these repairs while saving. Why can't things just work out God? I feel like every time I feel like I'm making progress something happens. It's like one step forward two steps back. What's that all about God? I just have all this frustration and emotion and don't know what to do with it... Yell, Punch a Wall, Quit at life. Please Help God. Help me to understand what I need to do and help it work out. I know you will it's just hard to have to live through this brokenness in this very broken world.

This is something that I found...

I just heard the world, is breaking down into bits again.
Tell me what am i to do?
And you just want me to stay, here.
So i'm just gonna stay, here.

Home, the last resort.
Build a castle with an iron door.
Lock the window, pull the shades, the hazed out sun won't help anyway.

If the world is crumbling down, I don't wanna be alone.
NO, locked up in this place.

I heard the world up, late night.
Holding my breath tight, trying to keep my head on right.
There's a chill in the air, nobody could care.
How you're caught up in the fight of your life.

Fear, is holding me here.
The television got me seeing unclear.
Bravery, my neighbor, moved away.
Cause I don't need to be courageous today.
If the world was crumbling down, I don't wanna be alone.
NO, locked up in this place.

I heard the world up, late night.
Holding my breath tight, trying to keep my head on right.
There's a chill in the air, nobody could care.
How you're caught up in the fight of your life.

I heard the world up, late night.
Holding my breath tight, trying to keep my head on right.
There's a chill in the air, nobody could care.
How you're caught up in the fight of your life.

Nothing's gonna save me.
I'm hanging from the nearest tree.
Nothing's gonna save me.
I'm hanging from the nearest tree.

I heard the world up, late night.
Holding my breath tight, trying to keep my head on right.
There's a chill in the air, nobody could care.
How you're caught up in the fight of your life.

I heard the world up, late night.
Holding my breath tight, trying to keep my head on right.
There's a chill in the air, nobody could care.
How you're caught up in the fight of your life.

I heard the world up, late night.
Holding my breath tight, trying to keep my head on right.
There's a chill in the air, nobody could care.
How you're caught up in the fight of your life.

I heard the world up, late night.
Holding my breath tight, trying to keep my head on right.
There's a chill in the air, nobody could care.
How you're caught up in the fight of your life.

World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night

What's Next?

2007-03-29T14:02:00.000-05:00

What's Next for me has been the lingering question over the last year. Today is my 18th birthday and it really doesn't feel that much different... But that's not what I'm posting about. As you learned in my last post I was not accepted into the college that I had hoped to attend (Wheaton). My prayer going into it was that Wheaton was were I wanted to go and if God allowed me to attend there that meant I was supposed to stay around CCC and stay involved.... And if he didn't that meant I was supposed to move on and do different things. For me I thought this meant going to Lincoln Christian College which I wasn't really excited about nd didn't feel God leading me in that direction. So what does that exactly mean God? I was trying to figure it out and thought maybe I would just stay around here anyways and go to a Junior College. This was until yesterday afternoon. I was in my typical Wednesday afternoon meeting... for CCC staff that's the catalyst meeting, when josh jackaway brought up the fact that there was going to be a KC meeting in a couple of weeks. Josh is going to be a part of a newthing church plant in Kansas City (KC) Missouri. The moment I heard him talk about it I thought 'man I should really check that out, I really have no set plans yet for next year'. This church plant was announced in January. It has been the topic of a lot of conversation but for me it was just another church plant. Is this the MOVE ON AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS God had in mind for me? Thats the question I'm struggling with now. The more I think about the possibility of KC the more nervous and excited I get. I just had to post about this... I couldn't help. Keep me and my BIG decision about What's Next for me in your prayers. Thanks

Wheaton

2007-03-18T13:50:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I last blogged... I know. A ton of stuff has been going on. But most recently I recieved my admissions letter from wheaton. I am sorry to niform you, that you have not been selected for admission to Wheaton College at this time. I'm not really sure how I feel about it yet. And I definately don't know what I'm going to do know. I was banking a lot on the fact that I was going to get in. I guess I got a little ahead of myself. So GOD.... What's Next?

The story already has a star, and the star is not you or me

2007-02-13T13:47:00.000-06:00

So why do I do what I do?

It's not that it's easy, for no one said it would be, it's that it's worth it. Every tear, every struggle, every sacrifice; it's worth the joy that comes in the end.crazy; I know.

"Life is the tale of two stories -one finite and frail, the other eternal and enduring. The tiny one -the story of us- is as brief as a blink of the eye. Yet somehow, our infatuation with our own little story -and our determination to make it as big as we possibly can- blinds us to the massive God story that surrounds us on every side."

"It's not about making my story better, but about waking up to the infinitely bigger God Story happening all around [us]"

"And here's why it matters-if we doon't get the two stories straight, everything else in our lives will be out of sync."
[i am not, but i know I AM] - Louie Giglio

That, is why I do what I do. It's not just that I'm supposed to, or I know that it's right; it's because my heart is sold out for one thing; God's mission which I truly believe -as cliche and cheesey as it is- is to help people find their way back to Him.

Whatever it takes to do this, i'm in. and it's not because i have to, it's because i wantto. it's not just because it's what God asks of me, it's because my heart is in it and iget it. i get that if i start to make my story bigger than God's story, everything will beout of sync.

So why do i do what i do?

Because i have a heart that is sold out for a mission

and determination to let nothing stand in the way.
Because this life, and everything in it, is not mine.
This story already has a star; and it is not you or me.

The Madness Has Begun

2007-02-08T23:32:00.000-06:00

This past Saturday we kicked it off by buying all the supplies to build our stage backdrop for Blast. Blast is our annual High School winter retreat. Fast forward to Wednesday. This is when the madness really began. I got out of school at 11am and went straight to working on the set until 5pm when I started setting upfor our Jr. High program, which ended at 9pm. I got home around 9:30pm and after working on homework for little while went to bed around 11pm. Then this morning Iwoke up around 5am and couldn't go back to sleep. I was just couldn't get everything off of my mind. This is only the begining of wht will really be the next three weeks of my life. Preparing for our High School event. Helping make it happen. Preparing for our Jr. High event. Helping make it happen. Some how I have to figure out how school fits into all of this. It's going to be a stressful couple of weeks but I'm sure that in the end it will all be worth it.
Also since I last posted I've applyed to another college.While I'm still anticipating my letter from Wheaton. I figured I should have a fall back plan. That became Lincoln Christian College. Although I'm not sure that I'lleven go there even if I don't get in to Wheaton. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what God has in store for me.

One Long Meeting

2007-01-31T22:13:00.000-06:00

Today I spent a little over 2 and a half hours meeting about the stage and set design for our upcoming events for Jr. High (Fusion) and High School (Blast). That is a long time to meet. All I can say is we're crazy. With less then two and a half weeks until our first event we planned a set that could easily take a month to build and make sucsessful. On top of that we have to make it all mobile. Build at our church, take it apart, rebuild it at the first event (Blast), take it apart and build it again for our second event (Fusion). And what will happen to it after thatyou ask? Probably most of it willgo to the garbage. But it is all worth it because this is going to make the event more successful and ultimately Help more Students Find Their Way Back to God. I'm excited for what's to come.

Opportunity

2007-01-30T23:13:00.000-06:00

Today I was offered the opportunity of a life time. Something I have aspired to do for a long time. Although you might think this blog is about being excited, while i am excited, I'm really here to ask a question. When offered this opportunity I kinda blew it off saying we'll see.When really deep down inside I was excited about it.This is a huge problem I have. The question is why don't I act excited when I am offered such incredible opportunities. I believe that I reacted this way because I am nervous and a little intimidated by this opportunity. The problem is that I do this all the time with incredible opportunities some of which I lose because I just don't act excited or blow it off because I'm nervous. I guess essentially this is a challenge tomyself to be more excited and not let nerves or age getin the way.

Off?

2007-01-29T18:10:00.000-06:00

Lately I've noticed that I've been a little off. You know those times in life when you don't really sleep as well or eat as well and no matter what you always seem to be tired. That's me right now. Today I was talking it through with a few people and I think it is because my life is becoming increasingly stressfulo with the constant added preasures of life that I just haven't adjustedto yet.
I have been a little off since I applied to college. I am very nervous about wheather or not I will get in and honestly if I don't get accepted I don't know what I am going to do. Although I'm sure it will all work out and God will help me through it no matter what, I am still nervous not knowing what's next for me.
On top of all of that college stuff today I found out my car is totaled, after just paying the final payment on it. Around thanksgiving I was being stupid and ran my car into a firehydrant. I thought that I had only damaged the headlight but when I finally got around looking at it to get it fixed I realized it was much more then my headlight. According to the collision revision center I brought it into today, a prioir accident weekend the car making it unsafe to drive. They said I was lucky I just hit a firehydrant at low speeds because if I had gotten into a larger accident or hit the firehydrant harder it would have went straight into my car. Now that the damage is visible he said that if I were to get into an accident now my car would just crunch up like an accordian. This is stressful because now everytime I drive the car I'm going to be thinking about the fact that if anything happens, if another car is stupid my life is in danger, the car just isn't safe. Now what? I have to figure something out. I am completely dependent on my car. I go to school 25 min from my house, go to work 25 min from my school, and live 25 min from my work. It's like a big endless circle.
So I why I've been off which should be good. Now maybe I can figure out how to get back on, if you will. I've also added some stress to my life. I'm sure it will work out in the end with God's help and the help of the community around me. I'll keep you updated.

Hello

2007-01-29T17:23:00.000-06:00

My name is Matt and I am a senior in High School this year. I live in the chicago land area and am hating the frigid weather right now. I am going to use this blog to reflect on what is going on in my life. Feel free to leave any comments you would like - it never hurts to get a different perspective on things.